Up Close and Personal

By Denise Cook

So what is intimacy?  We hear this word bandied about a lot, but many of us would find it hard to define it, beyond perhaps, being ‘close’ to someone.

In my experience, in all the years of working with people, the majority of folk believe that intimacy means SEX and while it can be an important part of sex, often it’s not.  When we start to explore relationships we are often ill equipped to create the very quality we long for, to be deeply connected to other. Both men and women learn by default that to get close to someone we think we need have sex  to be close. Nothing wrong with sex, and while it can work in the short terms to bring a couple together  it  can get very boring or dangerous if there is a lack of communication and ability to set boundaries. So we confuse sex with intimacy and sometimes confuse sex with being loved.

Being real

Instead intimacy is about an important piece of communication and deep connection with your self and with other. In relationship, intimacy is an interpersonal process, involving confronting yourself and disclosing yourself in another’s presence. Another way to put this is, it’s about being honest, real and authentic about yourself with someone.

Taking a Risk

I explain Intimacy like this: “In To Me You See”. Of course for many of us, this is a very scary prospect. Often we think, if I really let you “IN” and take the risk of sharing my deepest feelings and truths with you, the good and not so pretty; if I let you see who I am on the inside, then I could be rejected. For many of us it’s hard to believe we’ll be loved if we are truly known. And being rejected by the people we want love and approval from is not a place most of us ever want to visit. For these reasons and normally because we have been rejected before, we tend to hold back and only put forward the the things we think people want to see from us. The price for this is a lack of intimacy. Or a feeling of distance.

Lack of Positive Role Models

Also too, I believe we get very confused about what being intimate is, because most of us growing up didn’t learn how to share honestly about what is happening on the inside. Lots of families don’t share with each other at this depth and certainly most parents don’t role model this level of feelings and communication to their children. The thing is, intimacy takes courage and it’s good to remember it’s a two way street. If the other is willing to let you “IN” and take the same risk then relationships can deepen to an amazing degree.
 

Trust

But being intimate does not mean you will always get the response you want. Sometimes the other will accept and validate you and sometimes they won’t. Ideally no partner should use disclosure to hurt the other as that would be abusive. Respecting and honoring this connection is paramount, it’s a very trusting process to step into, and some of us are better at risking this than others. However part of the deal with intimacy is to be able to feel good about yourself, even when the other does not ‘get you’ or see you as you would like. It’s also a good litmus test, to judge whether or not your relationship has the ability to go as deep as you would like it to. If the other can’t sustain intimacy, then you might have to consider whether you want to have them in your life or at least re-calibrate your expectations.

Being Emotionally Available

On a personal note, I grew up in a family that did not share their feelings and I always felt there was some thing missing for me in relationship. It took going to a workshop on intimacy, love and sex for me to discover the ingredient missing was intimacy. I have learned that there is lots of love where intimacy lives—whether the relationship is with primary partner, family, and friends or at work.I am much less lonely, more available emotionally, more content and joyful as a result of being authentic and sharing what’s really going on at an intimate deeper level. Any challenge is possible to sort out with out it becoming a struggle. When I haven’t been intimate, the relationship with other has not been what I wanted and I have had to move on sadly.

Deep Connection

We all long for connection deep in our being, not just with others, with ourselves too. So the question is then, how to get it. So firstly, start with people you trust and slowly start to take risks to share your real self. Take your time and if it starts to feel too much you can slow it down. Intimacy is not something that can be got right in a short time. It has to be worked at, just like relationship. Another great way is to do some reading or take a course where you can learn all about the resources and boundaries that will help you.

Rich, Rewarding and Safe

I facilitate a workshop called Pathways to Intimacy. It’s a day of experiential adventure. Together we explore how to be authentic and deepen our relationships with ourselves and others. We start by creating a safe and trusting environment and the day builds through a series of one-on-one and group processes. Being open to your individual experience is the key to having a day that is rich and rewarding, in a way that is intimate, relaxed, beneficial and fun. Regardless of your experience or sexual preference, whether you are single or in a committed relationship, the workshop could be a turning point in your life.